So...there was this one time when I blogged.....

And I blogged for a couple of years and then stopped.

And I don't know why.

I guess I thought no one cared, and maybe they didn't.

But today I came to a decision that I need to start writing again.  

I'm turning 50 next month.  FIFTY.

F.I.F.T.Y.

And I don't even care!

But, I do have some stuff to say....and since I'm 50....sorta...you have to listen to me.  

Thanks, Mom and Dad for not giving me a ton of wrinkles.  Just a few.  Plenty of gray hair that I cover up on a regular basis.  Other that than, no biggie.

So, what am I gonna say.  Why am I going to say it??  

Well, for some morbid reason, I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality.  Seems a little morbid, no?  Maybe a touch, but I guess that as I get older I see lots of people I know get cancer, get sick, die unexpectedly, and go through horrible things.  We don't really know what's going to happen one minute to the next.  

So, even if you don't care what I'm going to say, I have a few things to say just in case my number comes up and my kids would like to "read" me nagging to them.  :)

I realize now that I'm on that side of the hill, that I didn't adopt the mantra, "live with no regrets" quite soon enough in my life.  I have many regrets. 

 I have regrets that I yell(ed) at my children and that I spanked them when they were little.

I regret that I wasted so. much. time. on things that don't matter.

I regret that I didn't keep a better journal.

I regret not talking sooner about the mental illness of depression and anxiety I suffer with instead of hiding it in shame.  Maybe I could have helped someone instead of being worried that they might "judge me".

I have regrets that I didn't teach my kids enough.  Oh hey, I know they have turned out great, but I think sometimes that it's more in spite of me rather than because of anything I've done.

I regret that I haven't taken more time to travel.

I regret that I am a HUGE PROCRASTINATOR

I regret that I haven't finished the book I started writing a LONG time ago.  

I regret that I feel like I have "skated by" in life instead of really doing my best

I regret that sometimes I say swear words.  (don't laugh)

I really really really regret that I have a hard time finishing things

I regret that I haven't been a better sister, daughter, friend, mother, wife...etc etc etc etc etc

I regret that I haven't taken care of my body like I know I should have.  I mean, I'm good at the big stuff...you know like smoking and alcohol and blah blah...but you gotta eat....and apparently I have, and too often in response to stress.

I regret that I get my feelings hurt and I'm global and that I had struggles with my daughter and that she once said she wasn't sure I loved her.  That was my fault, fer sure.

with that said.....at the risk of being a Debbie Downer....

I'm proud of many things in my life:

I'm proud of my amazing children.  I know I did something somewhere that contributed to them being amazing. Heck, even if it's just that I contributed to their musical talent and gave them good skin.

I'm proud of myself for blogging again.  I've felt prompted to write again.  I think someone somewhere needs to hear my ramblings.

I'm proud that I am compassionate and can make people laugh, even if I'm slightly inappropriate sometimes.

I'm proud that my kids friends like me and confide in me and ask me for their advice.

I'm proud of the fact that even though my husband is amazingly gifted and talented and everyone wants his autograph (except his kids)...that I know he couldn't have done it without me standing behind him and telling him he could...and he's told me so.

I'm proud that I've stood up and faced fears to do some really stupid, seemingly easy stuff

I'm proud that I continue to work on my relationship with my Savior and that He forgives me every step of the way.

I'm proud that I graduated from college and I served a full time mission.

I'm proud that I can touch children every day at school and that I follow the spirit to know what to say to those who may need it.

and I guess I could go on....on both lists.

But, the bottom line is this.....

my Heavenly Father loves me.  He wants me to come back to Him someday.  He wants to love and support me through not beating myself up over crap I can't change.  (I said crap). 

I may be turning 50 next month, but you know what?  It's not to late to change those regrets into things I'm proud of.  

Change can be good.....even at 50.